I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You may now shotgun with the bride
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
