I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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