I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just had sex on a roof
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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