I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I need water and some morals
Randomize
