She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
