he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
