It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i now understand why vodka
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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