You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
