i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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