Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
