His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
