he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
