i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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