So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
