so explain again why im purple
no
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
