new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
