im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
