i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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