he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
