I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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