OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Vodka?
Forever.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
