so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
