I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize