Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
