Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
