Are we in a gay sports bar?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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