I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize