Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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