I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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