My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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