I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
