life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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