Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
