I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
