when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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