She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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