i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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