i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
