I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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