he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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