Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
