I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
