yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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