Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
