i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
