just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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