for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
