I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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