I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize