So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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