I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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