I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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