Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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