That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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