This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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