i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
