It's like God shit irony all over that family
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
