I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
