So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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