Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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