you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
