she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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