hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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