i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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