I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
time to smoke my breakfast
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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