I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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